In the beginning.......

In an attempt to understand.....

My children often ask me 'why'. As a Mother I try to explain the best that I can. I offer them encouragement and sometimes tell them that we cannot always understand some things. I look deep into my own life at times and I wonder 'why' myself. I ask how some of the things that have happened could have actually happened to me. When I get down about them, I cry out and say 'what did I ever do to deserve this?' I know that in my soul I live with my integrity in tact. I try to put the needs of others in front of myself and try to make everyone happy and content. Is this my downfall? Do I simply try to hard that I put myself in precarious positions?

I sat just yesterday and contemplated a situation that is at hand right now. This is a very serious legal matter that involves the man that I love and his two kids. In looking at the situation from a third party and living the last 16 months of it, I realize that some self sacrifice has taken place. I am not the only one that has made that sacrifice and there will be many more in the future. Being a parent in general, we make self sacrifices each and every day. I make them for my kids, for the neighbour kids, for my partner, and yes, even for my puppies. What draws me to this? I think that there is something inside me that pushes me to do what is right. Perhaps the passion is too big? Perhaps my plan of action is not strong enough. God...I do not know.

Each and every day we pray at dinner. We rotate on who does the Blessing...as a matter of tradition I always start it and one of the children add to it. I don't believe that there have been more than a few times that all the children do not ask God to help them understand that things that they cannot. Each Blessing is filled with the wonderment of the day and of this life, and sometimes a child will throw in 'help Mom do good Christmas shoppping', but for the most part, they are filled with appropriate requests. Do they get this from their parents? Is it Morgan and I that add this things to their very foundation? Funny that before Morgan and I got together, there was not a whole heck of a lot of praying in each home. Prayers were 'private'.....yes, each of our spouses felt that our talks with God were of a private nature and that making it public showed our weaknesses.....in other words, it would give each party something to needle at. How sad. When I split from my sons Dad, I was determined to become more vocal about my spirituality. To use it to be a strength, and not a weakness. I think our children now understand that its ok to be weaker than others in some areas...asking for help is not a weakness, but a strength. We tell our kids 'when you are in trouble...your run to 'us' not from us'. I think its a lesson that all kids need to have in their bag of tricks to be successful in this world.

I sit and wonder....ponder and examine the changes in my life. I see the richness that I now have, I see my children blossoming into the men that I had dreamed of them to be. They are discovering themselves and watching EVERY move that Morgan and I make. They see how we handle hurt, conflict, happiness and they learn. Every child is just what they are......a product of their own lives.

In 'an attempt to understand'....I get it!