In an attempt to understand.....

My children often ask me 'why'. As a Mother I try to explain the best that I can. I offer them encouragement and sometimes tell them that we cannot always understand some things. I look deep into my own life at times and I wonder 'why' myself. I ask how some of the things that have happened could have actually happened to me. When I get down about them, I cry out and say 'what did I ever do to deserve this?' I know that in my soul I live with my integrity in tact. I try to put the needs of others in front of myself and try to make everyone happy and content. Is this my downfall? Do I simply try to hard that I put myself in precarious positions?

I sat just yesterday and contemplated a situation that is at hand right now. This is a very serious legal matter that involves the man that I love and his two kids. In looking at the situation from a third party and living the last 16 months of it, I realize that some self sacrifice has taken place. I am not the only one that has made that sacrifice and there will be many more in the future. Being a parent in general, we make self sacrifices each and every day. I make them for my kids, for the neighbour kids, for my partner, and yes, even for my puppies. What draws me to this? I think that there is something inside me that pushes me to do what is right. Perhaps the passion is too big? Perhaps my plan of action is not strong enough. God...I do not know.

Each and every day we pray at dinner. We rotate on who does the Blessing...as a matter of tradition I always start it and one of the children add to it. I don't believe that there have been more than a few times that all the children do not ask God to help them understand that things that they cannot. Each Blessing is filled with the wonderment of the day and of this life, and sometimes a child will throw in 'help Mom do good Christmas shoppping', but for the most part, they are filled with appropriate requests. Do they get this from their parents? Is it Morgan and I that add this things to their very foundation? Funny that before Morgan and I got together, there was not a whole heck of a lot of praying in each home. Prayers were 'private'.....yes, each of our spouses felt that our talks with God were of a private nature and that making it public showed our weaknesses.....in other words, it would give each party something to needle at. How sad. When I split from my sons Dad, I was determined to become more vocal about my spirituality. To use it to be a strength, and not a weakness. I think our children now understand that its ok to be weaker than others in some areas...asking for help is not a weakness, but a strength. We tell our kids 'when you are in trouble...your run to 'us' not from us'. I think its a lesson that all kids need to have in their bag of tricks to be successful in this world.

I sit and wonder....ponder and examine the changes in my life. I see the richness that I now have, I see my children blossoming into the men that I had dreamed of them to be. They are discovering themselves and watching EVERY move that Morgan and I make. They see how we handle hurt, conflict, happiness and they learn. Every child is just what they are......a product of their own lives.

In 'an attempt to understand'....I get it!

Its my anniversay...it's my life!

November 11, 2006

I was 40 years old, but just born. Can it be true? Yes.....I was born again on this day...and today I celebrate in a way in which I never knew was possible. This is not about Religion, it is about a second chance that I was lucky enough to have the courage to do. For this...I am proud.

Today I am two. My body is 42, my life experiences are 42, but my new spirit and soul are two. This day two years ago, I started over. It was the most painful, agonizing thing I have ever done. I broke free of something that was wrong. Plain and simple, it was wrong. I mustered up everything I had and made a life changing detour in my own Journey. I could not have done it alone. People say that you can...perhaps I really may have, but I had lots of help along the way. Some may know that they were instrumental...but most don't. Some may read this and now know...some may not and never know. I feel the need to make a list, it may be imperfect and certainly wont be complete....but my mind is strong again and needs to be grateful.

My Heavenly Father. You never left me, just as you promised. When it was dark, your light shone brightly. I am Blessed.

Mum and Dad. Just those few words say it all. To stop and pick up a lost child...not when they fell off their bike when they were eight...but rather to stop your life at almost 70 and pick up your 40 year old and carry her through the dark. I am Blessed.

Jenn. My baby sister...to step up and let me be the baby. To take the weight, to hold my hand, to understand things that you were oblivious to. I am Blessed.

Cynthia. To be a friend to someone in such need. To extend your own life into mine. Words...they are few, my heart says it all. I am Blessed.

My sons. To trust in me....to trust when it was unbearable. This was a trait that I instilled in you...I did something right. I am Blessed.

Mike. To ask nothing of me. To support what I only dreamed of. To let me know that you would never abandon me. Wow... for this I am Blessed.

My sister friends. So many in number... some knew and some didn't. Some I could tell and others I kept at a distance. For understanding that I could only share with a few, for being there when I was ready. To take me back into your lives when "I" was ready. You all know who you are. For this I am Blessed.

Morgan. For finding each other when it was right. For letting us heal together and continue to heal. For helping us to help 'our' children. To shine brightly. I am Blessed.

My life is forever changed. In my own life change, I know that many others have been changed as well. Some for the better, and some for the worse. I go on with some happy memories, some sad and some that leave painful scars. I hold my head high, my shoulders are proud and my existence is strong. I leave behind a sadness and look forward to making a difference, to not only my life, but the life of many.

“If my mind can conceive it, and my heart can believe it, I know I can achieve it.”

The small things

Simple Pleasures

What's all this about? People say it all the time 'Enjoy the simple pleasures of life'. What do they really mean? Are we all just so busy and stressed reaching for the brass ring that we have forgotten about the Simple Pleasures in life? I think we might be. One of my goals lately has been to explore the 'Simple Pleasures' and really take note of them. Perhaps I might be able to take some 'Pleasure' in some of these things...since it seems that for the time being, the brass ring is just not within reach at someone else's doing. Hmmmm...something to ponder! Are we always in control of it? Nope....sometimes I think that we need to focus on the smaller, more attainable goals and keep the Brass Ring in view, but perhaps let it just 'swing' for the time being.

Soooo...I set out to really look for the 'Simple Pleasures' in my life.....here is what I found. I was amazed.....and very grateful.

I watched the other morning as the three younger children played a game of monopoly....that in itself was great (as I enjoyed my tea), but it got even better when the forth one appeared and without an argument, they started ALL over again so that he could join in. Could have been a disaster...but it wasn't.

Just this past Saturday, Michelle and I went to the mall (she hates to clothes shop! I know, I know...) and we had the most glorious afternoon of giggling and pleasing and sharing. I was prepared for the worst...and she surprised me. Upon returning home, she ran to her Dad and told him that it was the best afternoon she had ever had. It felt great.

Sunday ...I hit the tub. Not a sound came from the kids. Not a single argument... a few giggles and laughs and a bark or two from the dogs, but the peace was glorious. I sat and read my book and relaxed. This was a simple pleasure for sure.

Yesterday, I went to tennis. Uh huh....I left this house without a whimper, without a worry and knew that when I got back, Morgan would be waiting. He handled everything...and cleaned the kitchen...woohooooo. I thought about how lucky I was....I have never had this and boy oh boy, was I grateful. These are simple pleasures.

Daily, I watch my kids laugh, I watch as Morgan comes home from work, so grateful and happy to see us. I listen to my kids daily Blessings at dinner. They are full of gratefulness about being a family and how they ask us to be safe when we are not together...this is amazing.

How could I have possibly missed out on all of this for so long? How could I have wondered why these little things were less important than that 'big deal', a new home, or a resolution to a problem that I know one day will be resolved....and really I have no control over? I know now.... because I lost my focus...I because fixated on the 'Destination'....not the 'Journey'.

Our Journey is the key.....keep your eye on the Brass Ring....but make sure that your journey is Amazing!

A parent understands what a child does not say...

Ahhh..the secret language of a parent's love....the things it sees in a child's face, the way that they move and alas...the things that a child does not say. Pretty much....we are mind readers...uh huh.

I see this each day in my home. The home of many children from different upbringings...one where 'Mum' was everything and one that 'Dad' was everything. The communication can get quite boisterous in the 'Manor', but through it all, we are able to decifer the code like any connected parent with their child. It might have been that little 'snide' comment from an eleven year old girl...or perhaps that small gesture from an eight year old son...which tells us that something needs some attention. Somedays I feel like we live in a very loud home...where no one actually speaks their mind...its filled with 'stink eyes' and over dramatic shrugs from the upper half of the body. Dont let the noise fool you into thinking that we are not actually communicating. Funny though how most of the important communication happens in those stolen moments of peace right before bedtime, or in the checkout line at the grocery store. Heaven forbid we should attempt to sit at the dinner table and actually have a real constructive conversation!!! Nope....those moments are for budding in and tatelling! We actually have dinner as a family EACH and every night that all the kids are here. Yes, it is noisy and quite riotous actually, but its good...its rich and boy is it entertaining. Some come and discover.....only for us to note that they never return..ha ha ha

Really though...how do you know when one is really listening as just opposed to 'hearing' noise? You look for the gestures, for the eye contact and in our house...sometimes it's just the attitude that is bestowed...that's when you REALLY know that you have hit your target!

A Few of the Inspirations in my world.............

First and foremost.....Our Heavenly Father!

Wow....what would I be without the love of my Heavenly Father? The last two years would have been completely intolerable. Really, there is only so much a spirit can handle...when its all alone. Travelling with your heart full of the grace of God makes even the most difficult challenges in life attainable. I know in my mind that I can take moments to put my troubles in the Hands of God for a bit, so that I can find some Peace. I know that when I cant walk anymore, my Heavenly Father will carry me until I am strong enough to take my very first steps again. I am Blessed to know these things......

I look 'into' my life a lot. I think that it allows me to see things with a different perspective...one that is not afraid...for me, I have been ruled by fear for years. Anxiety often racks my poor body and soul. It weakens me and takes away my perspective. I decided that I needed to write about what and who inspires my life.

Stephen My almost 14 year old son. Born too soon into a cold and harsh Feb morning in 1995. I was a meager 29 years old. I had no idea at the time of how much this little angel would change me......for the better. Born almost 4 months premature, with no ability to breath.....he fought and fought and conquered his first goal in his life.....he to have a life! I often look at him now with his gangly, long legs and a mind that is now filled with hopes and dreams and goals and wonder how I got to be the 'chosen one'. This beautiful child is mine. Yep...when I look at him, it makes me want to be better, to be stronger, to be all that I can be....for him, but for me as well. I know that he is watching me.....he watches everything that I do.......its forming him. He will be the kind of man that his Mother formed him into. Really...if your child can inspire you...things might just be ok!

Suffering children Why...why, why, why?? Why does this world have to have suffering children? There are ways to stop it.....why can we not? The emotional abuse, the starvation! We put so much effort into the material things in this world. Why...why do we spend millions and millions on the Olympics....come on people....do we really have no priority in our lives? The money that was thrown around at the Olympics this past summer was laughable...to the point that I refused to watch. I have no problem with the Olympics..but lets see how great these athletes are when they are starving or left alone to die in a cold barren apt. See...this angers me...really, really angers me. My frustration is on exasperated by the fact that I feel helpless, as I am sure that a lot of others are as well.

Mother Teresa Talk about an inspiration! Wow, talk about a lady who gave of herself. Of the many, many famous quotes by her, I have always allowed the following three guide me in my life:


God doesn't require us to succeed; he only requires that you try.

Everytime you smile at someone, it is an action of love, a gift to that person, a beautiful thing.

The most terrible poverty is loneliness and the feeling of being unloved.

I think of these quotes a lot. I wonder what this world would be like if everyone thought like this. If everyone 'tried'...if everyone made sure that they 'smile'....if we all made sure that our friends, neighbours and family were never lonely and unloved. We could move mountains....big ones.....I wish for this world to rethink, re look and relive their priorities. Mother Teresa tried....she worked so hard to get the message out...when people thought she was a 'nothing' they thought that she was crazy...she never asked much of anyone and worked so hard out of love. This world needs love...it needs more peace and understanding. Wow.....she left us quite the legacy.

La la la la la la la la ...I'm not listening!

Kids...cant live with them..cant live without them!

Our house is not your typical house. We are what they refer to as a 'Blended' family. So, we have 'Mum' and 'Dad' and four children..some are 'ours' and some are 'yours'....lol. With four kids (13/11/8/8) life in our home is 'Special'. The two youngest are both boys and both 8...we refer to them as the 'Little Boys'....we often also refer to them as 'The Blessed Little Boys'...we do this as these are the sweetest little men around. Oh, they keep us busy with all their little schemes and such, but you have never met two little boys who are closer than our two youngest. Through all the trials and tribulations, these boys have depended and leaned on each other.....a better set of 'brothers' I have yet to ever see.

The problems really occur between the 'Bickersons'...uh huh...'George and Ethel Bickerson'...try putting an almost 14 year old boy and an 11 year old girl in a room and expect them not bicker...nope, rarely a day goes by without some type of issue. Its tiring and upsetting and just this morning I had a heart to heart with my son. I explained to him that Michelle has been through an awful lot and that he needs to spend some time thinking with his compassion. I could see in his eyes that he 'got' it, but there is just so much more that goes on when you 'Blend' families. A lot of our energy is spent making things 'fair' and helping them feel like they are special as individuals. Sometimes I think that the hardest part for them is to know where they fit in...in the Grand Scheme of things. For mine, they have always been the youngest and the oldest and they still are...for Michelle and Mathew they are now experiencing quite the opposite. A change in the 'lineup' can be disturbing and confusing.

So today, my mission is to hunt for resources on Blending Families. With just a quick peek at the resources available, I can see that we are not the only ones.....that feels better...now, onto the plan of making it feel great!