Spring Forward!!!

Spring Forward.........

YIPEEEE!

Thank Goodness it's time for the clocks to move forward. I think that we have all had enough of winter for a while. The extra daylight sure helps to get through these final few weeks of miserable weather. For me, Spring is a time of renewal. I always think that Spring starts my year for some reason. It represents that time that you fling open the windows, clean all the spots in your house that get neglected all year long and of course it means the beginning of being outside again. My front porch looks very lonely missing the chairs and some days the endless piles of newspapers and garbage make it look as though no one even lives here. I will admit that my windows need a good cleaning, but I will say that the insides are clean...if it even matters! Our poor dogs are so eager to get out and lay in the sun, they resort to laying by the fire and dreaming of that fresh Spring air. Our two youngest boys are already griping about the fact the the outdoor ice rink across the road will be coming down in the next few weeks.....both have become very good hockey players this last few months. The Township did a great job with the rink and our boys have put it to very good use this winter.

I will admit that the most of the winter for me has been spent indoors. I have been taking quite a bit of time this winter working on my painting and doing some reading. Tennis takes up an evening or two each week with lessons, but for the most part, I hibernated the cold days away. Painting has become quite a part of me lately. I most enjoy sitting by the fire with my favourite music playing in the background, while the wind whips against the window panes. Ahhhh!

Outdoor tennis will begin end of April. I have worked very hard on my game this winter and cant wait to try it out at our first social this weekend. I am quite excited to see how I fair. Not bad for a girl who started less than a year ago...on whim I might add. Had quite the workout last night and my legs took the brunt of it....they felt like elastic bands when I finally dropped into bed around 1am this morning. Felt good to run like the wind as my Pro tested me at every turn. I wanted to scream out 'give me a break', but alas...I did not want to give him the satisfaction of knowing that I was hurting....ha ha ha!

Will spend some time in the next week or so, planning and plotting our time away this summer. If things work out the way they should, we are hoping for some type of adventure for the family!

Are you afraid to live your dreams?

Are you living your dreams?

If not, then I ask "why not?" Life is short, and you never know when it will come to an end. Do you really want to say that you lived a life of unfulfilled dreams?

But "wait!" you say. "I'm waiting for the perfect time" or "I'm waiting for the perfect situation".

All this waiting is an excuse not to go out and try.

Or, maybe it's not that you are "waiting" per se, but rather that you are afraid.
So, what are you afraid of? Are you afraid of making a mistake? Afraid of making the wrong choice? Are you afraid that you may not be good enough? And what if the people around you laugh at your dreams, or don't support you? Is that enough for you to just give up? And what happens if you do end up living your drams? Are you afraid that once you get there then you'll have to live them? Meaning that what you've been talking about for so long will now come to fruition and you might not succeed?

Fear is the number one reason that people do not live their dreams. Fear holds us back, sometimes paralyzing us, and prevents us from moving forward. But, when you look back at your life, what do you want it to be about? Do you want to say, "I could have" or "I did"? The choice is yours,what words do you want to come out of your mouth?

So How Can You Move Past Your Fears And Live You Dreams?

These Easy Steps:

1. Acknowledge That You Have Dreams:
I meet so many people who say that they don't have dreams or they can't remember what they are. You know what your dreams are, you really do. You've just pushed them down so deep that it might take some time to bring them to the surface again. Let them out, you are worth it.

2. Write Down Your Dreams:
How can you live your dreams if you can't see what they are? Write them down. Don't judge your dreams or wonder "how?" Just do it!

3. Break Your Dreams Into Small Steps:
All accomplishments in life happen when you take the first step. It doesn't have to be large one. It just has to get you moving. Small steps will get you to your dreams. Until, one day, you realize that you are there.

4. Face The Barriers That Are Keeping You From Living Your Dreams:
What's keeping you from living your dreams? Not enough money or time? Too many responsibilities? Look for ways to overcome this. There will always be a reason not to do something. It's up to you if you want to give into these reasons or not.

5. Find People Who Will Support You:
They should be people who love you and will cheer you on as you move toward your dreams. Tell them how much you love and appreciate them. You do not want to live your dreams by yourself.

6. Pat Yourself On The Back For Your Successes:
You deserve it! The fun part of living your dreams is the journey. It's the piece that builds character and the piece that you will remember the most.

7. Recognize That Fear Will Not Go Away:
There are times when we all wonder if we have what it takes to fulfill our dreams or if you deserve to live them. Fear is a normal part of human nature. If you can accept that fear will occur during this process then you don't have to spend time worrying what you will do if you do get afraid because you will have this part handled. The only way past fear is through it and not around it. You can do it! So, feel the fear and live your dreams anyway! There are no guarantees, but the rewards are plentiful if you believe in yourself. No one is going to live your dreams for you.

Song for a Winter's Night

Song for a Winter's night...

I am once again reminded of the many Blessings in my life. The importance of being able to separate the stressful feelings from those of delight and thankfulness.

As I sat last night at my kitchen table, in front of the fire with a glass of red wine and painted. The dead quiet, the phones not ringing, the children gone for the night. I was left alone to my thoughts...my most inner thoughts and the feelings that accompany them. With just the paint on my brush, I went over my day. What had I accomplished, what was left to do, how would I manage all the tasks ahead of me. I filled my wineglass for the second time and slowly, phased out those feelings that drive me to the brink. Once I decided that this evening would be about me...and only me, I turned on one of my very favourite songs....Song for Winter's night and suddenly I was in a different place. The music filled my ears, my soul and most importantly it filled my heart. Taken away, my brush flowed through the paint and my spirit lifted. There was only me and my brush and this most amazing feeling. To describe the feeling would be next to impossible. For the first time in a long time, it was just about the moment, the moment that 'I' had created. Yes, it was possible for me to do this for myself! Most of the two hours that I enjoyed were of simplicity. Most of those moments were of happy memories as I painted that old barn....stroked paint across the sunset on that cold January evening.

My biggest hope for today ....is that I can do it again tonight!

In an attempt to understand.....

My children often ask me 'why'. As a Mother I try to explain the best that I can. I offer them encouragement and sometimes tell them that we cannot always understand some things. I look deep into my own life at times and I wonder 'why' myself. I ask how some of the things that have happened could have actually happened to me. When I get down about them, I cry out and say 'what did I ever do to deserve this?' I know that in my soul I live with my integrity in tact. I try to put the needs of others in front of myself and try to make everyone happy and content. Is this my downfall? Do I simply try to hard that I put myself in precarious positions?

I sat just yesterday and contemplated a situation that is at hand right now. This is a very serious legal matter that involves the man that I love and his two kids. In looking at the situation from a third party and living the last 16 months of it, I realize that some self sacrifice has taken place. I am not the only one that has made that sacrifice and there will be many more in the future. Being a parent in general, we make self sacrifices each and every day. I make them for my kids, for the neighbour kids, for my partner, and yes, even for my puppies. What draws me to this? I think that there is something inside me that pushes me to do what is right. Perhaps the passion is too big? Perhaps my plan of action is not strong enough. God...I do not know.

Each and every day we pray at dinner. We rotate on who does the Blessing...as a matter of tradition I always start it and one of the children add to it. I don't believe that there have been more than a few times that all the children do not ask God to help them understand that things that they cannot. Each Blessing is filled with the wonderment of the day and of this life, and sometimes a child will throw in 'help Mom do good Christmas shoppping', but for the most part, they are filled with appropriate requests. Do they get this from their parents? Is it Morgan and I that add this things to their very foundation? Funny that before Morgan and I got together, there was not a whole heck of a lot of praying in each home. Prayers were 'private'.....yes, each of our spouses felt that our talks with God were of a private nature and that making it public showed our weaknesses.....in other words, it would give each party something to needle at. How sad. When I split from my sons Dad, I was determined to become more vocal about my spirituality. To use it to be a strength, and not a weakness. I think our children now understand that its ok to be weaker than others in some areas...asking for help is not a weakness, but a strength. We tell our kids 'when you are in trouble...your run to 'us' not from us'. I think its a lesson that all kids need to have in their bag of tricks to be successful in this world.

I sit and wonder....ponder and examine the changes in my life. I see the richness that I now have, I see my children blossoming into the men that I had dreamed of them to be. They are discovering themselves and watching EVERY move that Morgan and I make. They see how we handle hurt, conflict, happiness and they learn. Every child is just what they are......a product of their own lives.

In 'an attempt to understand'....I get it!

Its my anniversay...it's my life!

November 11, 2006

I was 40 years old, but just born. Can it be true? Yes.....I was born again on this day...and today I celebrate in a way in which I never knew was possible. This is not about Religion, it is about a second chance that I was lucky enough to have the courage to do. For this...I am proud.

Today I am two. My body is 42, my life experiences are 42, but my new spirit and soul are two. This day two years ago, I started over. It was the most painful, agonizing thing I have ever done. I broke free of something that was wrong. Plain and simple, it was wrong. I mustered up everything I had and made a life changing detour in my own Journey. I could not have done it alone. People say that you can...perhaps I really may have, but I had lots of help along the way. Some may know that they were instrumental...but most don't. Some may read this and now know...some may not and never know. I feel the need to make a list, it may be imperfect and certainly wont be complete....but my mind is strong again and needs to be grateful.

My Heavenly Father. You never left me, just as you promised. When it was dark, your light shone brightly. I am Blessed.

Mum and Dad. Just those few words say it all. To stop and pick up a lost child...not when they fell off their bike when they were eight...but rather to stop your life at almost 70 and pick up your 40 year old and carry her through the dark. I am Blessed.

Jenn. My baby sister...to step up and let me be the baby. To take the weight, to hold my hand, to understand things that you were oblivious to. I am Blessed.

Cynthia. To be a friend to someone in such need. To extend your own life into mine. Words...they are few, my heart says it all. I am Blessed.

My sons. To trust in me....to trust when it was unbearable. This was a trait that I instilled in you...I did something right. I am Blessed.

Mike. To ask nothing of me. To support what I only dreamed of. To let me know that you would never abandon me. Wow... for this I am Blessed.

My sister friends. So many in number... some knew and some didn't. Some I could tell and others I kept at a distance. For understanding that I could only share with a few, for being there when I was ready. To take me back into your lives when "I" was ready. You all know who you are. For this I am Blessed.

Morgan. For finding each other when it was right. For letting us heal together and continue to heal. For helping us to help 'our' children. To shine brightly. I am Blessed.

My life is forever changed. In my own life change, I know that many others have been changed as well. Some for the better, and some for the worse. I go on with some happy memories, some sad and some that leave painful scars. I hold my head high, my shoulders are proud and my existence is strong. I leave behind a sadness and look forward to making a difference, to not only my life, but the life of many.

“If my mind can conceive it, and my heart can believe it, I know I can achieve it.”

The small things

Simple Pleasures

What's all this about? People say it all the time 'Enjoy the simple pleasures of life'. What do they really mean? Are we all just so busy and stressed reaching for the brass ring that we have forgotten about the Simple Pleasures in life? I think we might be. One of my goals lately has been to explore the 'Simple Pleasures' and really take note of them. Perhaps I might be able to take some 'Pleasure' in some of these things...since it seems that for the time being, the brass ring is just not within reach at someone else's doing. Hmmmm...something to ponder! Are we always in control of it? Nope....sometimes I think that we need to focus on the smaller, more attainable goals and keep the Brass Ring in view, but perhaps let it just 'swing' for the time being.

Soooo...I set out to really look for the 'Simple Pleasures' in my life.....here is what I found. I was amazed.....and very grateful.

I watched the other morning as the three younger children played a game of monopoly....that in itself was great (as I enjoyed my tea), but it got even better when the forth one appeared and without an argument, they started ALL over again so that he could join in. Could have been a disaster...but it wasn't.

Just this past Saturday, Michelle and I went to the mall (she hates to clothes shop! I know, I know...) and we had the most glorious afternoon of giggling and pleasing and sharing. I was prepared for the worst...and she surprised me. Upon returning home, she ran to her Dad and told him that it was the best afternoon she had ever had. It felt great.

Sunday ...I hit the tub. Not a sound came from the kids. Not a single argument... a few giggles and laughs and a bark or two from the dogs, but the peace was glorious. I sat and read my book and relaxed. This was a simple pleasure for sure.

Yesterday, I went to tennis. Uh huh....I left this house without a whimper, without a worry and knew that when I got back, Morgan would be waiting. He handled everything...and cleaned the kitchen...woohooooo. I thought about how lucky I was....I have never had this and boy oh boy, was I grateful. These are simple pleasures.

Daily, I watch my kids laugh, I watch as Morgan comes home from work, so grateful and happy to see us. I listen to my kids daily Blessings at dinner. They are full of gratefulness about being a family and how they ask us to be safe when we are not together...this is amazing.

How could I have possibly missed out on all of this for so long? How could I have wondered why these little things were less important than that 'big deal', a new home, or a resolution to a problem that I know one day will be resolved....and really I have no control over? I know now.... because I lost my focus...I because fixated on the 'Destination'....not the 'Journey'.

Our Journey is the key.....keep your eye on the Brass Ring....but make sure that your journey is Amazing!

A parent understands what a child does not say...

Ahhh..the secret language of a parent's love....the things it sees in a child's face, the way that they move and alas...the things that a child does not say. Pretty much....we are mind readers...uh huh.

I see this each day in my home. The home of many children from different upbringings...one where 'Mum' was everything and one that 'Dad' was everything. The communication can get quite boisterous in the 'Manor', but through it all, we are able to decifer the code like any connected parent with their child. It might have been that little 'snide' comment from an eleven year old girl...or perhaps that small gesture from an eight year old son...which tells us that something needs some attention. Somedays I feel like we live in a very loud home...where no one actually speaks their mind...its filled with 'stink eyes' and over dramatic shrugs from the upper half of the body. Dont let the noise fool you into thinking that we are not actually communicating. Funny though how most of the important communication happens in those stolen moments of peace right before bedtime, or in the checkout line at the grocery store. Heaven forbid we should attempt to sit at the dinner table and actually have a real constructive conversation!!! Nope....those moments are for budding in and tatelling! We actually have dinner as a family EACH and every night that all the kids are here. Yes, it is noisy and quite riotous actually, but its good...its rich and boy is it entertaining. Some come and discover.....only for us to note that they never return..ha ha ha

Really though...how do you know when one is really listening as just opposed to 'hearing' noise? You look for the gestures, for the eye contact and in our house...sometimes it's just the attitude that is bestowed...that's when you REALLY know that you have hit your target!